Bad Advice to Tourists in DC

Date in my archives: 6-May-96

Forwarded with subject: Bad Advice to Tourists in DC



Help keep the Nation s Capital Clean. After entering the Metro through a turnstile, deposit your used fare card in the trash can.

If you miss your exit on Beltway, don t worry. It's a circle, so just keep going around, and before you know it, you ll be back at your desired exit!

Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service Agents guarding the President to laugh.

After a long day walking around Washington, enjoy Metros world famous butt massagers. Just sit yourself down on any Metro escalator. Remember, stay to the left.

Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life.

Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court.

Single women should not miss DuPont Circle, where you will find many good looking unmarried men.

For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to soften them before using the Metro card machines.

When taking a taxi, ask to see as many zones as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city.

There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building.

Help yourself to the mementos supplied at the foot of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, provided by the local business community.

If you get thirsty while walking around town, just stop in the Mayor's residence and ask for some Coke.

No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to extinguish the eternal flame at JFK's grave.

At the Kennedy Center, rather than "Bravo!," it is customary to shout "Somebody has shot the President!"

To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM.

Going to the Zoo? Don t forget your swim trunks for a refreshing dip in any conveniently located moats.

Bring your clubs! Wednesday is Ladies Day at the Burning Tree.

If your car sustains pothole damage while visiting the city, bring the broken axle or wheel to the DC Department of Motor Vehicles for a free, quick, and courteous repair.

Washington boasts many exciting ethnic restaurants. Ask any policeman to give you directions. Our favorites are Hei Pigh & Ah Pyourakop.

Caught in a sudden downpour? Help yourself to one of the free umbrellas provided by the downtown street vendors.

In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone on your party before proceeding.

Wednesday is Bingo Night at the Washington National Cathedral.

You may lie down on the very bed on which Lincoln died. Take care not to let your shoes smudge the sheet.

Those Army guys marching around the tomb at Arlington National Cemetery may look serious, but they ll be happy to stop and fashion balloon animals for your kids if you ask them.

If you are going to be in DC for a week or two, and don t think you will need your car while there, then a good place to park is the short term lot at National Airport. It is close to downtown and convenient to ground transportation.

Give Ronnie Mervis a call and ask to see the slides of his trip to Africa.

The quickest way around downtown is by bicycle taxi. They come right up on the sidewalk! Signal one that you wish by standing directly in it's path, with your arms spread open.

Play a game of pickup handball at the unique, V-shaped black marble court on the mall near the Lincoln Memorial.

Make sure you visit the 19th Century French impressionist Scratch and Sniff room at the National Gallery.

Give your departed Tabby or Fido a suitable resting place in Arlington National Cemetery; remember to bring your own shovel.

Prostitutes can be identified by their outfits - ordinary business apparel, incongruously accessorized by sneakers or running shoes.