Hunting Elephants

Date in my archives: 2-Apr-95, appears to originate 6-Sep-92

Forwarded with subject: Hunting elephants

 

 

ARTS CLUB
TOPIC:   BOOKS/NONFICTION
TIME:    09/06/92  2:20 PM
FROM:    S STUBBS   (FBGV45A)
SUBJECT: A. RAND & ELEPHANTS
 

Classification Guidelines

Mathematicians

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant and catching one of whatever is left. **Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding

Computer Scientists

Will hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

  1. Go to Africa
  2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
  3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continents alternately east and west.
  4. During each traverse pass,
    1. Catch each animal seen.
    2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    3. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced Computer Programmers

Will modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly level programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. 4GL programmers do it in hot air balloons with microscopes.

Electrical Engineers

Hunt elephants by catching anything that moves and applying electrodes to various bits of its anatomy until it makes the sound of an elephant, then replacing that part with the equivalent parts of an aspidistra, before releasing the elephant again and dec

Objectivists

Don't hunt elephants, but believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians

Hunt the first animal they see "N" times and call it an elephant.

Project Managers

Don't hunt elephant but detail the route around Africa by looking at a map of any continent of similar shape then listing all the places starting with the letter 'A' first, then 'B', and so on. All hunters will receive travel schedules with times and

Consultants

Don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of elepha

Politicians

Don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers

Don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software Lawyers will claim they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Psychologists

Let go of their jeep's steering wheel and let it learn by its own mistakes.

Senior Managers

Set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Management Consultants

Don't hunt elephants, but write reports concerning their inherent greyness, the depth of their voices and the size of their toenails. All these factors are, of course, extremely important in defining any broad ranging, in depth, corporate Elephant Hunti

Quality Assurance Inspectors

Ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople

Don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Plastic resin Salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Transportation Salespeople catch rabbits, paint them grey and sell them as intermodal elephants.