Three Men and St. Peter

Date in my archives: 19-Jun-95

Forwarded with subject: Three Men and St. Peter

 


 

Three Men and St. Peter

Three men die at roughly the same time and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter has just gotten off the phone with God and turns to face the new arrivals.

"I've just gotten off the phone with God," St. Peter begins,"and it turns out that due to overcrowding, we will only be able to admit 33% of applicants into Heaven today."

The men look confused.

"It means only one of you will get in," clarifies St. Peter. "I will listen to your stories in turn and the one with the worst death gets in."

They all nod in agreement and the process begins. St. Peter takes Man #1 aside.

Man #1: "Well...I was certain that my wife was cheating on me. Today I left work early and went home. When I got there, she was in the shower. I ran frantically through the apartment looking for the guy. I looked everywhere and couldn't find him. Finally I spot the guy hanging by his hands off my balcony. Well, I live on the 25th floor and figured the fall would kill him so I started jumping up and down on his hands. All he did was yell and scream and wouldn't let go. So I go back inside to my toolchest and bring out the hammer. Finally after pounding on his fingers, he let's go and falls the 25 stories to the ground. This guy has some luck because he landed in the bushes and doesn't die! I'm so frusterated, I go and get the refrigerator and drop it over the balcony. The fridge lands on him, he dies. Well...I felt so bad afterward, I went into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nods slowly while he digests the story then calls for the next man.

Man #2: "I'm a real fitness freek and a new video I had ordered just arrived today. I was really eager to check it out. Well, the weather was so nice outside, I set up my TV so I could exercise on my balcony in the sun. I must not be terribly coordinated because I tripped and fell over the railing. What a stroke of luck! I grabbed hold of the balcony only 2 stories below mine! As I was trying to climb in, this crazy guy comes running out of the apartment and starts jumping up and down on my hands yelling obscenities all the while. Finally, he goes back into his apartment. I think, 'This is my only chance.' Then, he comes back out with a hammer and beats my fingers to a bloody pulp. I have no choice but to let go. I screamed as I fell the twenty-odd stories to the ground and watch my life pass before my eyes. My second stroke of luck came when I landed not on the concrete, but on the bushes. I couldn't believe it. As I'm looking up to thank God, I notice this refrigerator is only a few feet from my face. It lands on me and I die."

St. Peter nods even more slowly this time his eyes widened in slight disbelief. He calls for the next man.

Man #3: "Okay (chuckling), imagine yourself naked in a refrigerator..."