The Theatre Technician's Bible

Date in my archives: 9-Aug-91

Forwarded with subject: The Theatre Technician's Bible

As posted on the Stagecraft mailing list

A stage management student "hacker" here has been connecting into different libraries and buliten boards around the country and found this wonderful funny listing. I don't know who to credit but I'm told it was originally seen on a hard copy bulliten board in one of the production offices at Disney World.

The Theatre Technician's Bible

Genesis

In the beginning was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the TD said, "Let there be lights!" And the Techies worked and wired, and there were lights: spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting, yea, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well-aimed and focused and gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors, and it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First Day.

And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a set!" And the Techies scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons and stairs and furniture of various types and sizes, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, and it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day.

And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck at each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be props!" And the Techies worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And the TD saw the props, and they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.

And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth upon the set in blue jeans, and the Costumer knew that this would not do. And the Costumer said, "Let there be costumes!" And the Techies did sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and in keeping with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans. And the Costumer saw the costumes, and that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.

And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be sound!" And the Techies worked and taped and played, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all to the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, and they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.

And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient Techies in the first place, He would have finished sooner.

Proverbs

Behold, my son, here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and the days of they play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.

Give not unto an actor his props before their time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he shall lose or break them.
When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script, for as surely as the winds shall blow, so shall the Director change his mind.
Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and easily confused.
Speak not in the language of the Techies to the actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
Tap not on the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall strike and party.
Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If it appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cues and being summarily executed, or worse.
Beware of actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
Take pity on the actors, for in their roles, they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how things should be done, then do them the right way. In the days of thy work, he will give thee wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
And above all else, get carried not away with the glowtape, or thy stage will look like unto an airport.

Words To The Techies

My friends, be deceived not by deluded actors masquerading as Techies. Remember the signs by which thou shall know a true Techie: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of tools; they respect one another's jobs and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch.

Remember always that thou art a Techie, born to walk the dark places of the stage and to know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of those that watch and to make the stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you to shape the dreams that they would show.

Remember also that as they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shall party together.